I’ve lived the majority of my life in this world; this world caught between dreams and reality. I’m not sure where I am. I’m not sure why I am. The only thing I am aware of is the fact that I’m still here, wherever here is. I look around me and I see all sorts of things. Death. Hunger. Cancer. Rock concerts. Oil spills. Baseball trades. Homeless. There is good in this world and there is bad in this world. But what world is this? I really wish I was capable of answering this question.
Every day, I find myself lost in a haze of what is a dream and what is reality. Regardless of how often I try to fight my way out of my own head, I am constantly stuck there. Imagine a world where you find happiness in the smallest wisps of air. The breeze brings you to a different time and place, and you’re constantly at odds with yourself. Blazing rays of sunshine make you feel alive. Cooling water reminds you of a simpler time when the endless waves of your dreams made you feel at ease.
Now, imagine that world crashes down around you, and you’re left with nothing but an undeniable sense of dread and pain. Every morning, you try to get yourself out of bed, but there’s just no reason to do it. The hair on your head grows ragged, your breaths are stuttered and unfulfilling, and food dissolves to ash in your mouth. You try to smile, but the false sense of security is so overwhelming that it just causes your cheeks to become sore. Showering, eating, sleeping, drinking, reading, writing, moving, walking; they all seem so pointless.
Perhaps we all serve some purpose in this life. I can’t stand here and tell you in complete honesty that I believe it’s God, or karma, or good luck, bad luck, or anything else like that. All I can say is that we are all sent here with a purpose. Mine is still floating in mid-air somewhere. I constantly find myself asking what role I’m supposed to serve in life. Am I here to simply act out the role of “that one guy”? Am I a supporter of other people with no real accomplishment for myself? Am I just here as a stepping stone for other people?
A man lives his life one step at a time. He’s born, he lives, he dies. At some point in our lives, we are forced to decide between what is best for us, and what is best for others. We have to decide between the easy choice and the difficult decisions. It is in that moment that we either embrace our humanity or destroy the very thing that makes us feel alive. However, when all is said and done, we get asked the real question: Why?
Why must we spend our entire lives searching for the one thing makes us feel human? I suppose it isn’t enough to just have what is given to us. Being alive is simply not enough anymore. We can no longer accept the fact that we’re blessed with the innocuous act of breathing. Apparently, there’s more to life than just living nowadays. We act like we are lost at sea and tumbling around with no chance of survival.
So, when we are faced with a difficult decision, what do we do? We clam up, we lie, and we do everything in our power to detach ourselves from the situation so as not to grow too close. What better way to pretend we aren’t alive than to detach from the very feelings that make us human in the first place? You see somebody you love, or you hear their voice and wonder how you’ve gone your entire life without them. I used to run from love. In fact, I still do.
I have this feeling of insatiable thirst in the back of my mind that seems impossible to quench. I try to imagine what life would be like without the overbearing weight of loneliness. Every time I close within an inch of that happy thought, my mind shifts to another facet of thinking that closes my brain off to love. I find myself stuck in a dark room with no possible escape. I close my eyes at night, and nothing is different than when I woke up that day. These thoughts stick to my psyche like a broken cocoon of shattered promises and unkempt mishaps. Each breath I take feels empty and cold.
I have no purpose in this world. I have no purpose in my dreams. Instead, I’m left to wander the never-ending depths of my own lonely corner of the world.
What is my role on this planet? I have no idea. It seems I never will.