This is part seven of the letters sent between me and my wife shortly before and after meeting in person for the first time.
Here we go, one day away from two weeks away from each other. Two weeks separated by several states and a phone line. But to me, those two weeks are negligible. Yes, we’re separated from physically touching, smelling, and feeling each other, but that doesn’t mean that we have not been there for one another. I’ve come to learn over these last two weeks that distance means so little when you mean so much to me. The idea of us follows the idea that if anything is worth having, we must pay the price; and that price is work, patience, love, and sacrifice. That sacrifice is strengthening everything we have and will continue to witness. The largest realization that I’ve come to know, and it’s entirely based on something you said to me last week, is that missing you gets easier every single day because even though we are one day further from the last time I saw you, we are one day closer to the next time I can have you in my arms. We are the very definition of true love, because true love doesn’t mean being inseparable; it simple means that we are separated by distance, but nothing changes in our love. I love you so much that it hurts, however, the most ironic part of that statement is that it’s no longer a hurt. Love is like a paradox, because if I love you so hard it hurts, it is no longer a hurt, but only more love. We are 40 days away from being in each other’s arms again. Those 40 days will fly by so quickly, as long as we continue to hold each other dearly in our thoughts and dreams. Every day in FaceTime is a gift with you, and I will continue to cherish every single moment.
I love you, Emily. Have a wonderful day at work, and I cannot wait until that moment you are off of work, and we can be be back together again. ❤
Happy Thanksgiving, my love! I know you probably won’t see this, but this is my attempt at enjoying a holiday. You make me want to be the very best version of myself, remember? Well, in theory, the very best version of myself would be enjoying Thanksgiving because of you. I want to love the things you love with the same passion. I want to wake up each day knowing that I have evolved from that bitter and cold person that detested every holiday. No longer will I wallow in self-pity while others sit around and have a merry time. No longer will I shame those that celebrate the holidays. No longer am I a passerby with no connection or ties to the merriment.
You make me want to love the special natures of these holidays again. You remind me that there is something to love, something to cherish, and something to crave. You did that for me, babe. The most I can do in return is learn to love them as I love you.
Happy Thanksgiving, I love you, and thank you, my love. I hope your day is amazing and filled with love and joy!
It’s now Monday, and I’m sorry you have to return to work. However, if you choose to look at the positive side of things, today being Monday means we are another week closer to being back in each other’s arms. You’re staring at me on FaceTime right now, so I’m going to keep this short and sweet. I loved spending these last five days with you. I needed you more than ever while working through the homework, and I’m more than thankful for your presence during that time. I hope you have a phenomenal day at work, and I cannot wait to hear your voice when you’re finished for the day. Here’s to another day and night together, and I love you more than I can possibly describe in words right now. My love for you is ineffable, and I already miss you like crazy.
I wanted to apologize for my mood. I don’t want you to think that I am upset with you by any means. I did become frustrated with our conversation and slightly hurt by it as you know. That’s what loved ones do, that’s what makes love great though. Because, at the end of the day, we still love them. I still love you. I know you didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. I know we’ll have different views and opinions, and that’s ok. My mood derived from the fact that I want better for you. I want to do stupid and mundane things with you like making snowflakes. I want memories with you, and I want you to cherish them as I do. I want you take more out of life than you allow yourself to. It frustrates me because it’s you that it keeping you from living your life fully. I get so upset because it’s you that’s preventing you from your own happiness. I worry that you say I’ve given you so much, that I’ve given you happiness. I want you to find the happy moments in life for yourself. It gives me meaning to my life to find happiness, memories, and love. I want that for you and I know you’re capable of it. You find happiness in the mundane; like going to a quaint cafe, making desserts, singing in the garage. Things that literally mean nothing to everyone else has meaning to us because we gave it meaning. So making something as stupid as a snowflake is something to be cherished. Time moves too quickly to be so serious in life, to always be on a schedule, and to never stop and appreciate the little things. I want you to find it, for you. Find the meaning behind your life and cherish every moment of it. We all are sinful. We all make mistakes and we all have hardships. We all forget to stop and smell the flowers, but seeing the smile it brings to others, the beauty there to be admired, and the memory it creates makes it worth it. I want to help you and I will as long as you want it, but I can’t make you do it. I love you and I always will. Nothing will change that. Find the meaning, my doll.
There is no need to apologize, my love. I could see that you were upset at the situation, just as I was. One of the things I want you to know about me, is that I hate the majority of who I am as a person. I have learned to love myself and be happy with who I am because of you, but there are still areas where I struggle. I continually find myself lost in a haze of what I want, what I need, and what is best for me. There is an excerpt in that journal you have that says something like “Why do I keep making the same decisions over and over that I know are bad for me?” (That’s an approximation, not an actual quote, because I can’t remember everything it said. I just know I spend so much time trying and attempting to love myself to no avail in certain areas of my life. But you make me want to try. You’ve made me question all of those things that I don’t know about myself. I have recognized my struggles and am working unbelievably hard at overcoming them, but I’m not sure how. You are right, love. You said, “I want you to take more out of life than you allow yourself to. It frustrates me because it’s you that is keeping you from living your life fully.” I know it’s me, and I wish I knew how to better embrace it. I’ve been trying to train my mind to think like that, but I shouldn’t have to train it. Is there something wrong with me? Am I just missing out on stuff that I shouldn’t be missing out on? Am I skewing and distorting the world around me? How do I overcome it? I know that only I can answer that question but I have yet to figure out how to do it.
Good morning, my love! It is currently 5:20am. Unfortunately, I woke up this morning for two reasons. First, I had one of the worst headaches of my entire life this morning. I have no idea why. I’m back on my blood pressure meds and I was hydrated, but it was so bad, I couldn’t go back to sleep. Second, I had one of the worst nightmares of my life. I was walking down the street holding your hand. We were on a date, and I kept glancing over at you because there was something about you that kept drawing my attention more than normal. I kept thinking, “Holy shit, that is my girlfriend. This woman loves me. I love her.” Then, you were ripped away from me. The world was ripped away from me. Have you ever seen the movie I Am Legend with Will Smith? If you haven’t, it’s about a man during an apocalypse that more or less lives alone in New York (not sure of city, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen it). Suddenly, everybody in the world was ripped from me, and I was walking along the streets of Waukesha, and everything was deserted. I found a car that was running with nobody in it, and I drove to your house as fast as I could. When I got there, there was a cup of coffee, still steaming hot, sitting on the island in your kitchen. The TV was on, and the kennel doors were closed, but no dogs were in there. I freaked out. I literally freaked out more than I ever have in my entire life. I tried calling everybody I know, and nobody answered. There were movies and stuff playing on TV, but no news channels or live broadcasts. In my dream, like two weeks passed, and I found out that I literally was the last person alive on the planet. My biggest fear in the world is dying alone. My other biggest fear is being alone in a world like that. It was the scariest dream I have ever been through. I woke up, head hurting and crying. But then I looked over at my phone, and you were there. My tears died away almost instantly, and a sense of comfort overwhelmed me.
At first, I thought the dream was a metaphor for my fear of losing of our relationship, and then I realized that it was a metaphor based on the things you taught me the other night. I’m not living my life to the fullest, nor am I finding the meaning in things. When those things were ripped away from me, I felt so empty, and I never want to feel like that again.
I am so glad that we stay in call when we sleep, because if I had woken up to a blank screen after that dream, I’m not sure what I would have done. That would have been one of the few times I called and woke up you up for comfort.
I love you so much, Emily. You have taught me so much, offered me so much, and given me more than I could ask. Thank you, my love. I hope you have an amazing day at work, and I cannot even begin to describe how badly I can’t wait for December 26th. I cannot even begin to describe how badly I can’t wait for the rest of our lives. I love you, Emily. Thank you for everything.
*All letters left exactly as written. I made no edits to the writing.
**More letters to come!