This is part four of the letters sent between my and my wife shortly before and after meeting in person for the first time.
I can honestly say, that these last two weeks have been epic. Word cannot begin to describe the feelings I’ve felt over such a short amount of time. I want you to know, that I had not known what love was until I met you. Every time I look at you I’m filled to the brim of unconditional love. I love my daughter and I love my family, but there is something to be said about blood. I am biologically wired to love them. I don’t have to love you, and you don’t have to love me, but we do. I love you more than I thought possible. I love you more than I thought I deserved to experience.
I never imagined I would get to experience this and I’m so honored and grateful for it, for you. You’ve shown me what true love is and I never want to go back. I never want to have to doubt it again, and I never want to lose this. I’ll make you a promise, I will never stop putting forth my best efforts, 110%. I will always fight for you and give you the best you deserve to the best of my abilities. Something I learned from all of this though, is that giving 110% shouldn’t feel like work, it should feel natural, and with you it does. It doesn’t feel like work to want to do nice things for you, to you, or with you. It’s so easy that it makes me want to work harder.
I want to express my love for you in every way imaginable. “Those eyes” you speak of, yes at times I know what look I’m giving you, but most of the time I don’t until you catch me. I’ve come to learn that it’s when I look at you with complete and utterly unconditional love. My eyes are even trying to express to you how much I love you. That in itself amazes me because I have never ever looked at anyone like that. Sure people have told me they like my eyes or the looks I can portray, but it has never been that one. That look, those eyes, their Sean’s eyes.
These last two weeks have literally been only something you experience from watching movies. It’s something people can only envy. But I don’t have to, not anymore. I can watch those movies and say, “I have that,” and I’m proud of it. When we watch About Time, I know it’s fictional, but the love between Mary and Tim, it was like watching it for the first time. Only this time, I could say I have that and I look forward to that. Thank you for letting me love you and loving me in return the way only others dream of loving.
I will remember these two weeks forever and cherish them dearly. When I’m missing you and want to be near you, I’m going to think of the two weeks we shared. They will be my comfort in this time we will share apart. We will overcome this obstacle and we will come out stronger, there is no doubt in my mind about it. I do not even feel the need to hope because I know. What we have is real, we are soulmates, and I can’t wait for the day when we never have to be apart. The time we share will never be long enough, but let’s start with forever. I love you immensely and there will be no need to miss you because we will not be apart. Not really, because you will forever remain in my heart. Always.
I was laying in bed, listening to you snore, trying to fall asleep, and I just couldn’t. I am extremely tired, and I can feel my eyes drooping, but the knot in my stomach has grown too large to allow sleep. Instead, I figured I’d do some writing, and what better way to get some writing down than to write you something?
I’m not sure how I’m going to fall asleep without being able to roll over and wrap my arms around you. I started crying again, and I haven’t been able to stop. Every time I close my eyes knowing that you’re not next to me, it makes my stomach hurt. I’ve lost my appetite, and I can’t seem to relax any of the muscles in my body. My headache finally went away, but my neck hurts, my knee hurts…but most of all, my heart hurts. I know you haven’t really left me, and I know I haven’t really left you, but in the end, I can’t help but feel sad at the distance between us.
I can’t wake up in the morning, lean in, hold you, and kiss you. I can’t hug you anymore. I can’t sleep with you anymore. All of that is over a month away, and it’s slowly killing me. A small part of me died when I returned to Kansas. I left my home, and now I find myself wandering through a strange land of confusion. This strange place was once my home, but now it feels like a concave of ill-begotten means. This place holds no significance to me anymore, because you’re not here with me.
My true home is with you. We could be anywhere in the world, and it just wouldn’t mean the same if you’re not there with me. I feel lost. I feel hopeless for the first time in a long time. I somehow instilled hope in you when all hope seemed lost. I need you to do the same for me now. I will continue to try and fill you with as much hope as humanly possible…but for the time being, I’m sitting here, wishing I had you in my arms…
I’m sad, Emily. Logically, I know that we’ll be together again in no time. Logically, I know the ones we love never truly leave us. I know that we’ll be together again sometime in the future, but for now, I’m stuck with a tiny screen, and a love that I’ve never known. Every time I watched a romantic movie, I was under the impression that the love seen in that movie was for suckers. Nobody truly believed in the “true love” that movies so easily displayed. I was a fool. That love is real. That kind of unconditional, never-ending love has entered my life, slapped me in the face, and said, “Here I am! Embrace me!”
I’m sad, Emily, and I’m not sure how to overcome it. I can sit here and spout all kinds of things about how everything is going to be okay, and that’ll we power through everything, and deep down, I do honestly believe. I honestly believe that we’re going to jump through every hoop that life throws at us. I honestly believe that there is nothing in this world that could keep us apart. I’m not losing hope, but it’s slowly starting to dwindle as I sit here, a huge knot in my stomach, tears streaming down my face, missing you like I’ve never missed before.
The hardest five minutes of my life was walking away from you at the airport. I never want that feeling again. Instead, I want every time I see your face to be an invigorating feeling of that love we both feel. I want every hug to be like the very first time we hugged. I want every kiss to be like the first time we kissed. I want every “I love you” to mean something bigger and better.
I love you, Emily Marie Schmitz. I love you more than I’ve thought myself capable. Until the very end, I love you. Always.
With all of the love in the world,
This is my super secret and sneaky note to you for when you get to work in the morning. Every day, a small piece of me feels like it’s dying because I don’t have you here to complete me. Even though it sounds really stupid, every time I watch the movie Jerry Maguire and Tom Cruise says, “you complete me”, I would laugh at how stupid it sounded. It was too cheesy to be realistic, however, now I genuinely understand how he felt. That little piece of me that felt so empty and lonely for all of those years has finally been filled. That emptiness is no longer empty. That loneliness is no longer lonely. I had you in my arms, I kissed you, hugged you, felt you, smelled you, and was there for you. Even though I am still there for you, a small piece of me will forever be missing until I can do all those things again. Don’t get me wrong, I love you completely, genuinely, unconditionally, and with every fiber of my being. Every time we FaceTime, a small piece of me feels completed again, but it’s not the same. This may sound like a crappy analogy, but it’s like the difference between tofu and steak. Tofu gets the job done, keeps you fed, and keeps you alive, but you never really feel fulfilled and complete like a steak would provide. Being in FaceTime is amazing, and I will take every single second with you that I can get. Once I have you back in my arms, and I live in Wisconsin, then everything will seem right in the world.
Please don’t mistake these words for anger, sadness, or angst. Instead, take them as loving, caring, and missing you terribly. I love you so fucking much, and I hope that I can continue to show that, even through FaceTime until I can have you back in my arms in December. I love you, Emily.
I can be sneaky too. I want you to know, that I love you so much. I know we talk about it a lot, but I feel like it such a prominent part of our life right now. Neither of us have experienced such a strong connect to a human being that we didn’t have to. I still think it’s amazing and I don’t think I’ll ever quite get over it. All the compliments, kind gestures, and genuine conversations all add up to making feel more loved than I ever thought possible. I find it hard to believe that this isn’t the honeymoon phase, because it’s so strong and exciting. On the same note, I’m terrified it’ll end and I keep praying it never will. I love you, and I want to love you like this for the rest of my life.
I was thinking, the term boyfriend and girlfriend is not satisfying to me. I want a title that means so much more. I know, that we really can’t do that though without getting eye rolls and laughter from others that we tell. IT’s the truth though, because this is the love you see in movies. You are so much more to me than a boyfriend; you’re my best friend, my lover, my other half, my soulmate. I never thought I would find someone like you, I thought I’d have to settle, but here you are. You’re mine and I’m yours, and I couldn’t be any happier. I love you Sean Eric Wooley II. I love you more than I thought possible in this world.
*All letters are left as written. I made no edits to the writing.
**More letters to come!