This is part three of the letters sent between me and my wife shortly before and after meeting in person for the first time.
You probably won’t get this until you get to work on Monday, but that’s perfectly okay. I was trying to think of the right way to put into words the things I have been feeling and thinking ever since I arrived here in Wisconsin. I am a man of many words, literally spending my life trying to craft a better way to describe things on paper, and I’m struggling to find the right words.
Wednesday was torture, but not for the original reasons of anxiety and nerves. Wednesday was torture because I kept feeling like fate was pulling us apart and telling us we weren’t allowed to be together. Then I realized that it didn’t matter how long it took. It was no longer about the adventure. This was one of the few times in my life where the destination was the most important thing to me, and I didn’t care how long it took.
When I first walked up to you in the airport, my stomach lurched so unbelievably hard, and I was pretty sure I was going to throw up everywhere. Then I hugged you, and granted, that hug only lasted for a few seconds, but they were some of the most important seconds of my life. That one hug was the first tiny step in our adventure together.
Even though the destination was the most important part, now it’s about our lives. It’s about the first time we cook together, the first dance, the first fight, the first day of laundry and cleaning, the first snowfall together, the first stargazing, the first breakfast in bed, the first everything. All of those firsts together are the very definition of the great adventure on which we are about to embark.
The first time I kissed you, no matter how sloppy or poor it was, meant so much to me. The first time we snuggled, slept together, fell asleep in each other’s arms, smoked a cigarette together, shared a cup of coffee, had our first date; all of those times meant more to me than you’ll ever know. It brings a heavy sadness to my heart knowing that I have to leave you in about ten days. We’ve already been through three days together, and they have been the most amazing three days.
Something can be said about the intricacies of lying on your bed next to you, looking into your eyes, and just enjoying the aura of your presence. Every time you look at me, my heart begins beating at insane speeds. I don’t think anything is getting ready to happen, it’s just your look. Your magnanimous brown eyes pierce through me, and only you can see me for who I really am. Somehow, my heart yearns for yours, which makes it hurt at times, and your eyes, your lips, your touch, and your voice soothes the very ache that plagues me.
Ten more days together. Ten more days of our mini-adventure in a much larger overall journey. Every time you leave for work, even in my tired state, my heart flutters with sadness. Then I wake up, realize that you’re just a few hours away from being in my arms again, and my heart soars in triumph, roaring in prideful victory.
Our first date was the most precious thing to ever happen to me. Anybody can go to dinner and a movie. Anybody can go play mini-golf and eat at Chili’s. Instead, you put together something so lovely and sentimental, that I will remember that date for the rest of my life. Regardless of where we end up in our relationship, I will never forget Thursday, October 19th, 2017, and what happened on that night. Was it overly simple? Of course, but that’s what made it so wonderfully perfect and unique to our relationship. Everything about that night made it one of the best experiences of my life.
We’ve had our first date. We’ve had our first sexual experience. We’ve had our first shared cup of coffee and first cigarette together. We’ve had our first snuggling. We’ve had a lot of firsts, but there are so many firsts left to experience. Many seconds, thirds, fourths, and so much more awaits us on the tumultuous trek through our story.
This is our story, Emily. It’s possibly the best story that has yet to be written. In time, our story will be crafted into the most resplendent and magnificent musing. In the end, our story will be written across a multitude of stars, only told by those that come after us. Our story, my love…our story, a story so unique and full of love, that all that hear of it will not understand why it is so special in our hearts.
I cannot wait to continue this story, and these next ten days are only the very beginning of that incredible journey. I love you. Always.
With all of my heart,
Good Morning, doll. Thank you for all your help this morning, it made my morning go smoothly. It was so nice to have the company on the drive to work. Thank you for helping out today, I know it alleviates a lot of stress on my dad, if not us all. You truly are amazing and I am honored to call you mine. I hope you manage to get your homework done. You could always bring our laptops with to the steaming cup if you need to continue working on it yet. I hope you have a good day and that everything goes smoothly. I can’t wait to hear from you! I love you, with all my heart. Always.
You do have me forever, my love! Some of that time will have to be spent apart, but that is okay. Like I’ve said before, it’s about the adventure and not the destination. We’ll have some tough times to fight through, but every time we see each other in the future, it will be like the first time we met, all over again. We get to experience the feeling of a delayed and torturous separation. It’ll be like we’ve literally held each other for the first time all over again. I cannot wait for that day. Each day. Every day. I love you, more than I’ll probably ever be able to show you, tell you, write you, or gift you. I am yours, my love, unconditionally and forever.
Even though it will be over FaceTime, I will do everything within my power to comfort you and help you fight through those negative thoughts and moments of anxiety. For the record, I am only putting on a strong front of what life will be like for me. Everything I’m saying about hope, and how the time will go by quickly is technically true, but deep down, somewhere in the inner sanctums of my heart and mind, I’m so scared. I’m not scared of losing you, nor am I scared that you’ll leave me. Instead, I’m scared that I’m not sure how my life will be without you. I’m not certain how I’m going to make it through the next six weeks without you in my life. I don’t know how to fight through the feelings of loss when I don’t have you in my arms. I won’t be able to roll over in the morning, kiss you, hold you, and tell you good morning. That scares me. I know that I’m strong, and we’ll be able to make it, but I’m still not entirely certain how to do it…and I’m scared. I haven’t even left yet, and I miss you so much already. Don’t mistake my optimism for pure faith…know that underneath, I’m just as scared as you, if not more, and it worries me.
This may come as a shock, but I feel the exact same way. I know we’ve lived lives before this. Hell, we were limited to facetime for approximately 4-5 months. I know we can live that way again, rationally. But, like you, I don’t know how. I don’t even know how I did it before. It scares me like you. I’m terrified thinking about it, it hit me so hard last night that I still haven’t shook it off and I don’t know if I will. I want to optimistic and I know I need to be for you, for us. But, it’s hard and I’m scared. I want you to stay, so badly. I know you can’t and it’s so illogical for me to think that way I want to kick myself, but I can’t help it. You will always have me, for as long as you want me, you will have me. I want nothing more than to continue this journey with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and that in itself scare the shit out of me. Not because it’s you or that I’m afraid of commitment, even though I kind of am, but because I feel that way so early in our life together. I know we’ll overcome this, we have to. We have each other to help us through this and neither seem to be going anywhere. We can make it to six weeks, we can. It’s going to be hard, but we’ll make it. I guess, instead of being sad of you leaving here, we should spend the time we have with excitement. Soon we will be reunited and soon we will have one another in our arms again. Let’s make the most of this time and use it to the fullest. Let’s be excited together. I love you, Sean. Like you, more than I will ever be able to express to you. Just know that I have never felt this way before in all of my relationships. I have never felt such a strong, comfortable, trusting, unconditional, and loving feeling from someone who was once simply a stranger. I am unbelievably grateful to have experienced this and I will never regret it, no matter the cost. Thank you, for being who you are, thank you for loving me, and thank you for allowing there to be an us. I love you.
*All letters are left as written. I made no edits to the writing.
**More letters to come!